Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye!

OK, I guess for my first review I'll do the shittiest movie of the summer: Transformers. That's right, Trans-fucking-formers.

I'll just get right to it....


Good god, where do I start with this movie? I guess I'll start with the good so at least it starts somewhere good because, believe me, this is gonna go down faster than a Vietnamese hooker.

OK the good parts... Let's see... It was pretty. I will give it that. The Transformers and effects in this movie are simply beautiful, and it's some of the best computer graphics I've ever seen, plus the mega-hot Megan Fox.

And that's where the good things stop.

I guess since my last comment was about the film's lead actress I'll go ahead and talk about the lead actor: Shia Le-fucking-beouf. This kid, in all honesty, is the fucking anti-christ. I'm sure of it. God damn Ben Affleck and Matt Damon for finding this piss-ant in their Project Greenlight show they had a few years back. I'm sorry, but you know how there are some people out there who shouldn't act? You know who I'm talking about: Kevin Costner, Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe from 24), Michelle Rodriguez, and plenty of others. Well Shia Lebouf is most definately in this list. I mean, come on. Come on. He's such a bad actor. Why do they keep casting him in these shitty movies? I mean there are tons of other white males in their early twenties who can act better than this little asshole. He seems to be just like Kevin Costner. Both of them are no-talent ass-clowns who seem to only be successful in the business out of sheer fucking luck. But luckily Shia Lebouf was really the only bad actor in the movie. The supporting cast, for what it's worth, was pretty good. John Turturro, AKA The Jesus, to me, stole the show in this movie. Jon Voight was just, meh. Tyrese Gibson was in the movie for about 8.2 seconds, and I like him. Same with that guy that plays Sucre in Prison Break. As for Megan Fox, I mean, ya know, she's just there because A. There needs to be a girl in a movie like this otherwise the feminist cunts in this country will freak out and B. Since there simply MUST be a girl in this movie with big tits and a nice ass. It's Michael fucking Bay.

Speaking of Michael Bay, let's talk about that. I think Team America World Police hit it right on the nose in their song about Pearl Harbor asking "Why does Michael Bay keep making movies?" Well, why? All he does is direct action movies, and he directs them so fucking poorly. Remember how I said the Transformers looked so great? Well hopefully you don't mind a crook in your neck because you'll have to tilt it slightly to the side to actually tell WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Seriously almost all the fight scenes are like a series of 3 or 4 second flashes and that's it. It's just like the Rock. I mean, I actually enjoyed the Rock. It was a pretty good movie, but I read on IMDb that the average shot in that movie was 2.9 seconds long. What the fuck? Less than 3 seconds. That's the AVERAGE too, which means that almost half the shots were under 2 seconds. My question is, why? Why does Michael Bay do this? Does he have fucking ADHD or something? You can have good action movies where the shots are longer than a fucking heartbeat. Want a good example? Go watch The Boondock Saints. Michael Bay is a fucking moron and needs to stop making movies. Period.

Moving on, let's talk about the plot, or lack thereof. Now I don't know too much about the whole mythology of Transformers, and I honestly don't think it matters. At the beginning of the movie they have Optimus Prime narrating something about the All Spark, which is, like something from this cube or something. Apparently it can like turn normal machines into Transformers, as evidence when it zapped an X-Box 360 and it started growing machine parts and attacking its owner, which was easily the coolest part of the movie. Anway so the bad Transformers (Decepticons) want to use it to create an army of Transformers and the good Transformers (Autobots) want to stop them. What I don't get is why they're fighting. Something about how this guy betrayed that guy, yadda yadda yadda WHO FUCKING CARES EXPLOSIONS WHEEEEEEE! What was I talking about? Oh who fucking cares. I mean, you'd think that a movie with 40 MINUTES OF EXPOSITION would at least address the fucking plot but instead we just get Shia Lebouf acting like a jackass and jerking off to Megan Fox.

Now let's talk about the writing. Which was fucking shit. OK, so right before the Autobots swoop in and save the day, they stop what they're doing and have like a 10 minute conversation. I don't know why since the humans are dying. It doesn't make much sense WHEEEEE EXPLOSIONS OMFGLOLROFFLEBBQSAUCE! Wait, what? Anyway, Optimus Prime then mentions that if they can't destroy the All Spark that if all else fails he'll put the cube in his chest and it will explode, killing him in the process. GEE, MAYBE THAT'LL COME BACK LATER IN THE MOVIE? What shitty fucking writing. It's like, why would they mention it if doesn't happen in the movie later? Just like the cook in the Hunt for Red October. Anyway, was there NO way to write that into the movie? I mean, come on. Come the fuck on.

I guess the next topic might as well be about the "funny" parts in this movie. Like I said before, come the fuck on. Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking rubber crutch. Every god damn "Joke" in this movie had something to do with a penis. Well, so did Superbad, but at least Superbad was, ya know, funny. Every single joke was about either masturbation or pissing. And you know what really grinds my shit? That people actually LAUGHED at some parts. Like when the robot pisses all over the Jesus, I swear half the audience burst out laughing. What's so funny about that? There is NOTHING funny about that. I know it's a shitty Michael Bay action movie but at least make the jokes at least somewhat funny. Even the Rock had a couple of chuckle-worthy one-liners. Then again the Rock had Sean Connery as the lead actor, not Shia "I'm a shitty fucking actor" Lebouf. But I mean the bottom line is if you thought anything in this movie was funny, you might as well just kill yourself.

Well what else is there to say? Basically the movie just ends with (what else) some stupid little speech by Optimus Prime, since the writers couldn't come up with ANY other way to end this fucking movie. Good guys win. Bad guys lose. Yippe. The ending was in fact the best part of the movie, since it was over and I didn't have to sit through any more of this shit.

Basically I guess at the end of the day this movie just a piece of shit. Basically the movie takes what an action movie should be ( ya know, action) and dumbs it down and adds a whole bunch of crappy filler that no ones cares about. It's almost like they made the humans the primary part of the story while the Transformers seemed to be just in the background. It should have just been Transformers fighting Transformers with minimal human contact. Once again I'll equate this to the Boondock Saints. The Boondock Saints is the perfect action movie. You know why? Because it's only ACTION. That's it. There are no unnecessary subplots or stupid love stories. It's just sheer action, which is what Transformers should have fucking been in the first place! Fuck this movie, fuck Shia Lebouf, fuck the producers of this movie, and most of all fuck Michael Bay.

2/10